Schism
by emication
Summary: Duo disappears, so Heero writes him a letter hoping that it'll make him come back, but after no response for months, Heero starts to think that he'll never see Duo again.


Title: Schism  
  
Author: Vinyl Koneko (Emily), roguegirl@att.net  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Warnings: 1x2, 3x4 mentioned, depressing angsty-ness, I don't know how to describe the ending (sorry)  
  
Archive: Want it? Take it. Just give me credit, please.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. I just like to play with them and make them play with each other. This song isn't mine, either, for that matter. "Schism" is actually owned by Tool off the CD Lateralus.  
  
Comments: *Emphasis*, //lyrics//, 'thoughts', [written]. I think the song is more to add atmosphere than to actually guide the plot, but I'll let you decide. ^_^ And wow, this is my 20th fic posted on FanFiction.Net; this is like an anniversary fic or something. Enjoy!  
  
*~**~*  
  
[To My Dearest and Most Beloved Duo Maxwell:  
  
[It would have been five years to the day. Five years since we were sent to Earth to destroy the Alliance's factions that later took over, calling themselves the Organization of the Zodiac. Five years since I was washed up on a seashore and discovered by Relena, and the very next day I was shot at by you.  
  
[A year after you shot me, the war was over, and we lived together for a while, jumping around Earth and the colonies, two boys with no where else to turn to and searching for something to call their own. And we did. We found each other.  
  
[I meandered after the Mariemaia uprising, but I still went back to you, realizing that the only reason I was lost was because you were in Japan waiting for me, and I had been a fool to keep you waiting. That was when I realized that I wasn't following Odin Lowe's advice - the same advice that I gave Trowa that gave him the strength to tell Quatre how he felt about him. I told you that I loved you, Duo, and you, on the verge of tears, said that you loved me as well.  
  
[I was able to break down my emotional barriers...all because of you, Duo. Things had become less and less difficult. Smiling, laughing, sharing my mind and heart, even my tears, all became easier. And it made you happy, which made me happier. I thought life was golden for the first time in my whole life. I understood the value of a single human, and I realized that my life wasn't as cheap as I thought it was.  
  
[But roughly two years ago, I wanted to die again.]  
  
//I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them fall away,  
mildewed and smoldering, fundamental differing.//  
  
[Maybe it was my fault. I was the one who voiced the idea in the first place. It was shortly after Trowa and Quatre's wedding... They were so happy and loved each other so much; they belonged to each other for forever and ever after that day, and I realized that that's what I wanted from you - a promise, a vow that would keep us bound to each other for all of eternity. So I asked you what you thought, and you told me that you'd have to think about it.  
  
[We made love that night, much like we did before falling asleep every other night, but I could sense something different. I realized in hindsight that your submission was practically one hundred percent and you were more tender than you tended to be. I wish I knew then what I had later learned.  
  
[You were saying goodbye.]  
  
//Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers' souls in motion,  
disintegrating as it goes, testing our communication.//  
  
[What did I do to frighten you off, Duo? Was I just too enrapt with my own happiness to notice how you were feeling, or was it my talk of marriage and eternal committment that scared you? Were you still afraid of my death because you still saw yourself as Shinigami?  
  
[I know you've seen enough death in your life, especially the death of those that you cared about. Was this why you had to suddenly distance yourself from me? Did you realize that the Perfect Soldier was dead, and that because of that, there would be no defenses between Shinigami and my life?  
  
[Duo...I need to know...]  
  
//The light that fueled our fire, then, has burned a hole between us so  
we cannot see to reach an end, crippling our communication.//  
  
[I know that you still loved me, even when you left. You just thought you were protecting me from yourself, didn't you? It's been practically two years, and I hoped you would figure out what I figured out before. I hoped that you were as lost without me as I was without you, but you still haven't returned. You're being your stubborn self, wanting to get rid of your personal demons without anyone else's help, but you need to realize that you see yourself as the demon, so you must separate those demons from yourself before you can achieve anything.  
  
[Otherwise you'll end up hurting yourself like you did so many years before.]  
  
//I know the pieces fit 'cause I watched them tumble down.  
No fault, none to blame, it doesn't mean I don't desire to  
point the finger, blame the other, watch the temple topple over.  
To bring the pieces back together. Rediscover communication.//  
  
[I'd like to blame you sometimes. Blame you for the past two years of my misery and loneliness, but I know that wouldn't be justifiable. I haven't searched you out just as much as you haven't searched me out.  
  
[You asked for time to think, and I gave it to you, but I don't know how much longer I can go on without your touch or hearing your voice, your laughter, seeing your smile or the expression on your face after we kiss.  
  
[Please, Duo, please find this and seek me out. I don't know if I can't stand this much longer.]  
  
//The poetry that comes from the squaring off between,   
and the circling is worth it finding beauty in the dissonance.//  
  
[If you don't want a permanent union between us, I can respect your wishes and pretend it never got brought up to begin with. Just please, come back to me, Duo. I love you, always and forever. Without you, I am the same lost fool as I was so many years before, only now I'm a lost fool without a soldier's mask to hide behind.  
  
[Please return to me, Duo. I love you. Heero.]  
  
Heero Yuy folded the sheet of paper into thirds, sliding it in an envelope, addressed with the last location he knew Duo to be. Hilde Schbeiker had called him one day, out of the blue, asking why Duo had showed up the previous day, tired and ragged, and passed out on her sofa. Heero just said that Duo had requested time to think. When Hilde asked if Heero wanted to come to L-2 and get him, Heero said it wouldn't be necessary. Duo would return when he was ready to.  
  
That was six months ago, but Hilde would have called if Duo left, so Heero was taking the chance that Duo would receive his letter. He would have just sent an email, but this seemed more personal, and even though they had managed to destroy the Perfect Soldier, Heero still had an easier time expressing himself with the written word than the spoken, so the letter seemed to be the best way to get his message to Duo.  
  
//There was a time that the pieces fit, but I watched them fall away,  
mildewed and smoldering, strangled by our coveting.//  
  
Heero couldn't help but remember his last date, so to speak, with Duo. The braided American had dragged him to a nightclub, and Duo, dressed enticingly in vinyl pants that were several shades darker than his eyes and a black tanktop, had attracted the attention of the majority of the male and female patrons. To say that Heero got territorial was a gross understatement; Duo kept saying that it was harmless fun, but Heero had been deeply upset that his lover could shamelessly flaunt himself so erotically in front of hundreds of complete strangers.  
  
That was the first time they had a major argument; things seemed fine for a while, but that night at the club, to Heero, was the beginning of the chain of events that caused Duo to leave - to go and think things over.  
  
//I've done the math enough to know the dangers of our second guessing.  
Doomed to crumble unless we grow and strengthen our communication.//  
  
Weeks passed, and still no word from Duo. Heero blamed in on the mail companies being too slow, and he kept saying that it would probably take another week before Duo would receive the letter. Weeks soon turned into a month which turned into even more months, and Heero was beginning to lose hope that his lover would ever come back.  
  
//Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any  
sense of compassion between supposed lovers.//  
  
'Why am I sitting around waiting for him, anyway? He said he needed time to think...two years is plenty of time to get some thinking done, and then some. How naive am I? Duo's not going to come back...he doesn't *want* to come back...' Heero blinked back in surprise as his eyes began to sting. 'Tears? Why am I crying now? I didn't cry when he left, so why am I crying now? Maybe I still am a fool. I thought Duo would come back and it'd be some child's fairy tale. Happily ever after.'  
  
Heero looked over at the desk on the other side of the bedroom that he had shared with Duo. His laptop was sitting on it, still on from the last time it had been used. Heero was trying to find any sign of Duo, to see if his lover had flown on any shuttles recently in the space surrounding Earth and the colonies, but there were too many to check them all by himself, so Heero set the program to autosearch for Duo Maxwell and Heero went to bed, but his attention wasn't drawn to the flashing icon on the monitor but to the framed photograph next to it.  
  
They were wearing their Preventers uniforms. The photo had originally been of the five Gundam pilots, taken after the Mariemaia uprising was quelled, but Duo had taken a pair of scissors to the image so it was just him and Heero in the picture, Heero with a determined expression and a casual if-not-possessive hand on Duo's shoulder while Duo's face was almost expressionless except for a smirk and an amused light in his eyes.  
  
Heero picked up the photograph, studying it for a moment, and with a heavy sigh, dropped it into the wastebasket next to the desk. He left the room as quickly as possible before he apologized to no one and put the picture back where it belonged. He needed to forget; Duo wasn't going to come back.  
  
//Between supposed lovers.//  
  
The Japanese man dried his face with a towel, remembering the flashing icon on his laptop's desktop and reminded himself to see what it was. It was most likely the notification of new email, but it might be an assignment from Preventers that would keep him busy for a while.  
  
All of a sudden the doorbell rang and Heero, confused, went to see who would visit without notice. 'Probably Relena so thrilled that she finally found me again.' He looked out the peephole and was surprised by the face he saw looking back at him. Heero's hand hovered over the doorknob for a moment, unsure of what he was supposed to do, before he actually opened the door to let the visitor inside.  
  
//I know the pieces fit.  
I know the pieces fit.  
I know the pieces fit.  
I know the pieces fit.//  
  
"Hey, Heero; it's been a long time, hasn't it?" Heero just nodded a mute reply. "Yeah, I thought so, too. So...what have you been up to?"  
  
"Nothing new," Heero replied simply. He couldn't figure out if he wanted his visitor to be there or not. It was a pretty tough time at the moment... "You want coffee or something?"  
  
His visitor smiled. "I'd like that a lot, actually."  
  
Heero went into the kitchenette to make the coffee as the visitor sat down at a table, folding a letter and putting it in the pocket of his jacket as he made himself at home.  
  
//I know the pieces fit.  
I know the pieces fit.  
I know the pieces fit.  
I know the pieces fit.//  
  
*~**~*  
  
Owari 


End file.
